Short Sketches

1. A = old man; В = wife
Acting note: The old man, Joe, is weak and has difficulty speaking. Mary gets more tearful as Joe speaks to her about the past.
The director says the following: Old Joe is dying. He is lying in his bed at home.

A: Mary! Mary! Are you there, Mary? (Mary enters.)
B: I’m coming, Joe! I’m coming! (She goes over to him and holds his hand.)
A: Mary, you were with me through the Great Depression in the thirties.
B: Yes, I was Joe.
A: And you were with me through the worst droughts in the fifties.
B: Yes, I was, Joe. I was with you.
A: And you were with me when we lost the farm in the bush fire in the eighties.
B: Yes, I was with you, Joe. I’ve always been with you...
A: And you were with me when we lost all that money on shares in the nineties.
В: I was, Joe, I was.
A: And now here you are again, Mary...by my side when I’m about to die.
B: (in tears) Yes, Yes, I’m here, Joe. I’m here.
A: (slight pause. Joe sits up, suddenly stronger) You know, Mary, I’m beginning to think you’ve been bringing me bad luck! (He falls back – dead!)

2. A = salesperson; B = alien
Acting note: The alien makes a strange sound throughout – Eeek! This could be accompanied by some sort of strange gesture, e.g. throwing one arm up in the air, kicking one leg out, etc.
The director says the following: It is the year 2010. An alien has just arrived on Earth to buy a brain to take back to his/her planet for research.

A: Good morning. Can I help you?
B: Yes, please. Eeek! I’d like to buy a brain.
A: A what?
B: A brain. Eeek!
A: I see. Any brain in particular?
B: What – Eeek! – have you got?
A: (taking out first brain) Well, there’s this one – it’s a monkey brain.
B: How much? Eeek!
A: Er...monkey brain...100 pounds.
B: Eeek! Got anything else?
A: Let’s see...(slight pause. Takes out another brain.) Yes, there’s this one. A woman’s brain.
B: Eeek! That’s bigger! How much?
A: (checkingprice list) Woman’s brain...ah, here it is! 500 pounds.
B: Eeek! Anything else? Eeek! Eeek!
A: Well, I think we’ve got one more somewhere. (slight pause again as he/she looks. Finally produces third brain.) Yes, here it is. It’s the brain of a politician.
B: A politician? Eeek!
A: Yes, but I don’t know who, mind you.
B: How – Eeek! – much?
A: Er...this one costs 2,000 pounds.
B: 2,000 – Eeek! Eeek! – pounds? A monkey’s brain was 100 pounds...Eeek!...a woman’s brain 500 pounds...Eeek! Why does a politician’s brain cost so much? Eeek! Eeek!
A: Well, it’s because it’s hardly been used!

3. A = 1st woman; B = 2nd woman
Acting note: This could also be acted by two men, with one of them talking about his three wives. You would have to make up new names for the three wives, e.g. Mary, Elsie and Marjorie. Throughout the sketch, the women (or men) should mime throwing bread to imaginary ducks.
The director says the following: Two women (men) are sitting on a park bench, feeding the ducks.

(The women are feeding the ducks.)
A: Do you know, I’ve had three husbands and they’re all dead now.
B: All dead? Oh, that’s sad. Very sad.
A: Yes, all three are gone. All three of them.
B: (slight pause) What happened?
A: Well, my first husband – Tom – he died of eating poisoned mushrooms.
B: Oh dear! Well, you’ve got to be so careful with mushrooms, haven’t you?
A: Yes, you certainly have. We’d only been married a year when he died.
B: That’s terrible. (slight pause) And what happened to the second one?
A: Well, you’re not going to believe this, but my second husband – Rupert – he died of eating poisoned mushrooms too.
B: (very surprised) Never!
A: Yes, it’s true!
B: Well, well, fancy that! What a coincidence!
A: Yes, it is, isn’t it? Both of them died of eating poisoned mushrooms.
B: That’s incredible! Just goes to show how dangerous mushrooms are, doesn’t it?
A: It certainly does. And I’d only been married to Rupert for six months.
B: Poor you. You’ve certainly had a lot of bad luck with your husbands. A lot of bad luck. (slight pause) And what happened to your third husband?
A: Harold? Poor Harold! He died of a broken skull.
B: Oh, that’s awful! Was it a car accident or a riding accident or...
A: No, I hit him across the head with a baseball bat.
B: (shocked) You hit him across the head with a baseball bat? But why?
A: (slight pause) He wouldn’t eat his mushrooms!