continued from No. 13
Writing an Essay on the Topic:
ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES
OF DEMOLISHING THE OLD PYATIETAZHKI
IN MOSCOW
After reading the Moscow Times article from September 12, 2006, explain what the advantages and disadvantages of destroying the five-story pyatietazhki and replacing them with new high-rise apartment buildings 17 to 22 stories high.
INTRODUCTION:
In recent years, ___________________________________________________________________________
There are many advantages to living in new high rise apartments. ___________________________________
Moreover, ________________________________________________________________________________
Finally, living in this new high rise means ______________________________________________________
However, many Russian citizens are skeptical about their future because they see many disadvantages.
The kruschyvoki gave the owners ____________________________________________________________
Moreover demolishing the old kruschyvoki means _______________________________________________
The old apartment dwellers believe that ________________________________________________________
In addition, _______________________________________________________________________________
In view of all these factors, it appears to me that living in the new high-rise apartment building has CHOOSE ONE: more advantages than disadvantages [or disadvantages than advantages]. There is (are) examples/evidence which show ______________________________________________________________
In the final analysis, when the khrushchyovki are destroyed, _______________________________________
Writing effective sentences: These activities are designed to demonstrate the several ways that short sentences in English can be combined or broken into two sentences to express the relationship of several ideas in a more concise and complete way. When combining sentences or when deciding how to break up a long wordy sentence, the writer should determine what is the main idea or the most important idea and what are ancillary ideas that can be put in subordinate clauses.
GENERAL RULES regarding most commonly observed mistakes:
• When writing sentences, think of ways to start with a conditional phrase or clause.
Think about ways to begin sentences with: when, since, although, if
• Some sentences are too long and need to be broken up.
One student wrote: “One advantage is being independent from another people, run your own business the way you want, choose what kind of business it will be, make your own rules and conditions, choose employees, partners and organizations to have business relations with.”
Suggested revision
One advantage of being your own businessman is the independence in making one’s own choices. The owner has the ability to choose the type of business, the kind of employees and the rules and working conditions for the business.
• Students often use an informal and conversational tone that they might use in a letter to a friend. Written assignments given in high school or a university require formal academic writing.
One student wrote: “What is more, profit, success or failure of “I’m the boss of me” organization depends only on the chief a.k.a you.”
Suggested revision
What is more, the profit and success or the failure of a individually-owned business depends upon the energy and the wise decisions made by the owner.
• Avoid the repetitious use of “you.” Use synonyms such as businessman, a person, owner,
• Correct use of comma is important. If the word because comes in the middle of the sentence, it is NOT followed by a comma.
• Sentence fragments were common. Adverb clauses and sentences that begin with infinitives are sentence fragments.
One student wrote: Because he was serving his residency in an overcrowded city hospital.
The reader is left in suspense, asking, “Well, what about it?”
Another student wrote:
“What is more, you are responsibility for the money. Because you can invest money in any enterprise you like.” “Because…you like.” is considered a sentence fragment in English and it is incorrect.
A third student wrote:
“Finally, being self-employed means you can plan your own time. Because you don’t have to spend all day at work like common assistant.”
A fourth student wrote: “To give some procent [percent] of your income, for example.”
Suggested revision:
#1 My brother became ill with several infectious diseases because he was serving his residency in an overcrowded city hospital.
#2 What is more, since the owner is responsible for the business’s income, he can invest this income in more profitable enterprises.
#3 Finally, being self-employed means that the owner has flexibility in planning his time so that he does not have to spend all day in the shop.
#4 For protection in business, sometimes it is wise to find a partner and give him a percent of your profit.
Over generalization
It is common to see sentences which over generalize or over simplify issues. The reader becomes very suspicious of the student’s reasoning when reading these over generalizations. The writer should be specific in his remarks or use the words “many” “some” people to restrict his remarks.
One student wrote: “It is difficult to find good workers because common employees just do there job and don’t try to do all there best.” [“there” should be “their”]
Another student wrote: “To become self-employed, you just need to sign some documents and make decisions whether you need to make deals with some organization.”
A third student wrote: “Also it is important that you could command with your employees, if you have them. It’s always pleasant to tell other people what to do.”
To correct these sentences, one might say:
#1 Although it is difficult to find good workers, a boss should know how to motivate his employees through praise and small bonuses at the end of the year.
#2 Although being self-employed may require the signing of some documents, knowing the market for products, knowing one’s competitors’ strengths & weaknesses, and finding a good location for a shop comes from prior experience watching the sales of this particular product. Before becoming self-employed, a person should learn about the economy and the market place.
#3 Being an owner of a business requires that the boss make important decisions about the workers. If the boss expects the workers to respect him, then he should give clear directions and be fair in making decisions about employees.
In these revisions, sometimes it becomes necessary to write longer sentences or two sentences to give a fuller explanation or more detail to clarify the writer’s intent.
SUGGESTIONS
Actual example 1: Moreover a businessman can have strong rivals and they can become your enemies. They may kill you. Also your business partners can betray you.
Suggested revision
Moreover, if a businessman has strong rivals and deceitful partners, he can be threatened with death to eliminate his business competition.
Actual example 2: The disadvantage means that a lot of people are under your control and you are in charge of them.
Suggested revision
Another disadvantage of being self-employed means that the owner has to organize and supervise the work assignments of his employees. This responsibility requires careful thought and worrying about his employees may cause the owner many headaches.
Actual example 3: When the capital moved from Moscow.
Suggested revision
When the capital moved from Moscow to St. Petersburg, Peter the Great expanded the government bureaucracy.
Actual example 4: Because corporations that spend thousands of dollars for computers want compact and speedy machines.
Suggested revision
Research and development in computers is rapidly growing because corporations that spend thousands of dollars for computers want compact and speedy machines.
Actual example 5: Many who started their own business have said various points of view about being one’s own boss. Being a bankrupt the first one. Business man is consider to be a person who always competes with his rivals and if we’re talking about big money this very fact can be quite dangerous.
Suggested revision
Many who started their own business have reported or indicated some of the negative aspects of being one’s own boss. The risk of being bankrupted by bad decision is one of them. If a businessman competes with a rival over large profits, his competitor can threaten his life.
Actual example 6: The disadvantage of being your own boss is supposed to decide problems by your own and always to take responsibilities.
Suggested revision
The disadvantage of being your own boss is the overwhelming responsibility that falls on the owner’s shoulders. Determining which products to buy and deciding what the profit margin should be are major responsibilities that cause the owner many worries.
GENERAL MARK SCHEME COMMONLY
USED TO EVALUATE ESSAY
Band 5. Outstanding realization of the task set:
• Sophisticated use of extensive range of vocabulary, collocation and expression, entirely appropriate to the task set
• Effective use of stylistic devices: register and format wholly appropriate
• Impressive use of wide range of structures
• Skilfully organized and coherent
• Excellent development of topic
• Virtually error-free
Impresses the reader and has a positive effect.
Band 4. Good realisation of the task set:
• Fluent and natural use of a wide range of vocabulary, collocation and expression, successfully meeting the requirements of task set
• Good use of a wide range of structures
• Well organized and coherent
• Good ambitions development of topic
• Minor and unobtrusive errors, arising from attempts at complex language
Has a positive effect on the reader.
Band 3. Satisfactory realization of task set:
• Reasonably fluent and natural use of a range of vocabulary and expression, adequate to the task set
• Evidence of stylistic devices: register and format generally appropriate
• Adequate range of structures
• Clearly organized and generally coherent
• Adequate, though unambitious, coverage of topic
• Occasional non-impeding errors
Achieves the desired effect on the reader.
Band 2. Inadequate attempt at the task set:
• Limited and/or inaccurate range of vocabulary and expression
• No evidence of stylistic devices; little or no attempt at register and format
• Lack of structural range
• Poorly organized, leading to incoherence
• Little relevance to topic, and/or too short
• Numerous errors, which distract and often impede communication
Has a very negative effect on the reader.
Band 1. Negligible or no attempt at the task set:
• Totally incomprehensive due to serious errors
• Totally irrelevant
• Insufficient language to assess (fewer than 20% of the required number of words)
1ST DRAFTS OF STUDENT ESSAYS
ON THE TOPIC: ADVANTAGES
AND DISADVANTAGES OF DEMOLISHING
THE OLD PYATIETAZHKI IN MOSCOW
(typed as they were written)
EXAMPLE A
In recent years, many old apartment buildings and wooden houses are being demolished in Russia. They are being replaced by high rise apartment buildings 17 to 22 stories high. The tenants are being asked to leave their old apartments and move into temporary ones while the new apartments are being built. Some Russian citizens are upset by this change and others find their new apartments an improvement.
There are many advantages to living in new high rise apartment buildings. One advantage is that’s more convinent to live in modern buildings. It’s up to time and to developing of the whole world. Moreover, the individual, private apartments in new high rise houses will provide many life’s necessities. Finally, living in this new high rise means people’s freedom, independance, from each other. Also new apartments are provide you with safety. From my point of view it’s [reference is unclear] the main advantage.
However, many Russian citizens are skeptical about their future because they see many disadvantages. They are emotionally attached to their “old” krushchyovki. The kruschyovki gave their owners their first private square meters. And obviously it’s their memory of their youth that is cherished. Moreover demolishing the old krushckyovki means that the social mix of neighborhoods will change. The old apartment dwellers believe that krushchyovki are a large step in their life and they don’t want to change their life-style, to move to the new buildings. Furthermore, one woman Marina said, “I am going to die here. What is more that there is not benefit to move because of high fares for living in the high rise apartment.” In addition, I suppose there is no benefit for government to do this moving in recent years, when its economical position is not on the high level.
In view of all these factors, it appears to me that living in the new high rise has _______________ [student did not make a choice between advantages or disadvantages] _______________.
Since many of the apartment dwellers, who are usually the older generation in their 70’s and 80’s, change is difficult for them. However, there is the possibility that their life will be improving in order to this, I may say, global project. In the final analysis, when the krushchyovki are destroyed, people, of the future generations will live in modern convenient apartment without any old questions of household.
EXAMPLE B
In recent years, many old apartment buildings and wooden houses are being demolished in Russia. They are being replaced by high rise apartment buildings 17 to 22 stories high. The tenants are being asked to leave their old apartments and move into temporary ones while the new apartments are being built. Some Russian citizens are upset by this change and others find their new apartments an improvement.
There are many advantages to living in new high rise apartment buildings. One advantage is that new high rise apartments are very spacious. They have large kitchens, bathrooms and they are good-planned. It’s very convinient for big families consisting of 6 or 7 members. Moreover, using an elevator, wich is practically in every new apartment, pansioneers can get easily up the 10th floor. Finally, living in this new high rise means living in the city center. All modern apartments are going to be build near the metrolines wich is a good possibility to save time get to job.
However, many Russian citizens are skeptical about their future because they see many disadvantages. They are emotionally attached to their “old” krushchyovki. The krushchyovki gave the owners very warm relationships with neighbors and a lot of common reminiscences. Moreover demolishing the old krushchyovki means that the social mix of neighborhoods will change. The old apartment dwellers believe that they won’t be able to renew their ties with friends and to see each other often and as a result of it they will feel forgotten and lonly in this spacious modern apartments. In addition, people have no trust to the government and don’t belive they will have a place to live. Even if things are better and they get it, the problem of high prices will still exist.
In view of all these factors, it appears to me that living in the new high-rise apartment buildings is a balance between the advantages and disadvantages. For many of the apartment dwellers, who are usually the older generation in the 70s and 80s, change is difficult for them. However, there is the possibility that advantages will outweigh the disadvantages and even the older generation will appreciate living in newer conditions. In the final analysis, the city skyline will be changed in a drastic way. For the younger generation, there will be the possibility to have a new and larger apartment where they can have living space for a larger family. I suppose that we should have progress, keep up with the world, and use all possibilities for better living. So, demolishing krushchyovki is one of the steps in this direction.
EXAMPLE C
In recent years, many old apartment buildings and wooden houses are being demolished in Russia. They are being replaced by high rise apartment buildings 17 to 22 stories high. The tenants are being asked to leave their old apartments and move into temporary ones, while the new apartments are being built. Some Russian citizens are upset by this change and others find their new apartments an improvement.
There are many advantages to living in a new high rise apartment buildings. One advantage is that you can use all modern conveniences situated there ‘cause in old buildings there is such a good quality of living. Moreover, new high rise apartment building better ‘cause of new building kinds of what is called “new building.” If means that people living in a high building have a good opportunity not to exist like before but live a full life. Finally, living in this new high rise means a well-componed [?] life.
However, many Russian citizens are skeptical about their future because they see many disadvantages. They are emotionally attached to their “old” krushchyovki. The krushchyovki gave the owners something they had been unaccustomed to. [what?] Moreover demolishing the old krushchyovki means that the social mix of the neighborhoods will change. The old apartment dwellers believe that people who live in their buildings will not move to the other buildings ‘cause they’ll lose their money and their good work can finish in a moment. In addition, ______________________________________________ student did not add a third disadvantage. ______________________
In view of all these factors it appears to me that living in the new high-rise apartment building has more CHOOSE ONE: advantages than disadvantages OR [disadvantages than advantages.] Since many of the apartment dwellers are in their 70s and 80s, the move to a new apartment may destroy them and in this way, the young dwellers don’t see this possibility. In the final analysis, when the krushchyovki are destroyed, there will be a big problem to move to move people to the other build in the life means an expensive living.
EXAMPLE D
In recent years, many old apartment buildings and wooden houses are being demolished in Russia. They are being replaced by high rise apartment buildings 17 to 22 stories high. The tenants are being asked to leave their old apartments and move into temporary ones while new apartments are being built. Some Russian citizens are upset by this change and others find their new apartments an improvement.
There are many advantages to living in new high rise apartment buildings. One advantage is that they are very comfortable to live in. They are modern and have conveniences for the 21st century such as air conditioners, lifts to carry heavy bags, central heating, a new electrical system to carry high voltage appliances, and refuse chutes that make people’s lives more efficient and easier. Moreover, high rise apartment building don’t need to be continuously repaired Now a lot of people have plastic windows, a good floor and new pipes for hot and cold water. In addition, you won’t have to worry about your safety because the new apartments have a good security system to warn you of burglars. Finally, living in this new high rise means that an owner will have a lot of free and independent space. In fact, after some people lived in their old flats for many years, these flats were not longer suitable once the owners moved out. Our life is changing and that’s why there housed had to be demolished. But the old owners liked them very much and this time of rebuilding is hard and difficult for them. On one hand to have a new apartment is good, but on the other hand its very expensive.
However, many Russian citizens are skeptical about their future because they see many disadvantages. They are emotionally attached to their “old” krushchyovki. The krushchyovki gave the owners the possibility to live with good relations with their neighbors because in general old people live here and they know almost everything about each other. Moreover demolishing the old krushchyovki means that the social mix of neighborhoods will change. The old apartment dwellers believe that, maybe, here they will find new and good friends in the new apartments. And people are very kind and they always can help old people but very often its only an illusion. In addition, I think that most of the older generation are hardy because they live in new apartments among young people who are selfish and very noisy. Young people like music, parties, and the neighborhoods usually suffer for it.
In view of all these factors, it appears to me that living in the new high-rise apartment building has more advantages than disadvantages. Since many of the apartment dwellers are usually the old generation who are their 70s and 80s, change is difficult for them. However, there is the possibility that they will recognize the new conveniences in the apartments and their lives will change in a better way for them. In the final analysis, when the krushchyovki are destroyed, I believe that all people will have a chance to choose where they would like to live. Our architects will invent various types of new apartments to satisfy the desires of each generation of Russians.
Compiled by Judith Elliott, Senior Eng. Lang. Fellow, Vladivistok |