All Is Well That Ends Well!
(after R. Dahl)
(пародия на съемки фильма по сказке о
Красной Шапочке)
Действующие лица:
Little Red Riding Hood (жизнерадостная, любит
современную музыку, модную одежду, ужастики,
хорошо учится, у нее много друзей, находчива,
приехала на лето к бабушке в коттеджный поселок)
Wolf (бездельник и лодырь, недоучка,
перессорился со всеми соседями и друзьями,
проводит время у речки или в лесу, пугая
случайных прохожих и детей, часто попадает в
милицию за мелкое хулиганство)
Grandmother (моложавая, энергичная дама,
прекрасно танцует, играет в большой теннис,
увлекается цветами и ведет здоровый образ жизни)
Film Director (любит игровое кино,
вкладывает деньги в фильм, надеется разбогатеть,
ничего не понимает в бизнесе)
Producer (человек очень эмоциональный,
творческий, не терпит критики и вмешательства в
его работу, с трудом терпит своего спонсора,
актеров любит, имеет чувство юмора)
Act I. Introduction
L.R.R.H.: Hello! I am... (real name)
We are making a film about a little girl’s summer adventure. She used to wear a red cap
at all times and her friends and relatives started to call her Little Red Riding Hood. To
tell the truth, the cap suited her image and she looked really smart.
Actually, it is going to be a comedy and I am to play the part of L.R.R.H. Let me
introduce you my friends who act in the film:
Grandma: I am glad to meet you, dear friends. I’m L.R.R.H.’s
grandmother. I like flowers, children, disco music, tennis, travel. I prefer to live in
the country because I hate noise and the pollution of the city. You are always welcome to
my country house – there’s enough room for everybody.
Wolf: Hi! I am a very big and very bad wolf. I mean – I am
ill-mannered, I don’t like rules and regulations, I am not obedient and I like to offend
people, if they are not very strong, of course. I have fallen out with my family and live
in the forest. The weather is warm and it’s nice in the fresh air but... I am very
hungry!
Film Director: How are you? Fine, I hope.
Producer: How are you? Fine, thank you. Here are you at last.
It’s time to start. Lights, Camera Action! Act 1. Take 1.
Film Director:
As soon as the Wolf began to feel
that he would like a decent meal,
he went and knocked on Granny’s door...
Grandma:
When Granny opened it, she saw
his sharp white teeth, the horrid grin,
and the Wolf said:
Wolf: May I come in?
Producer: (comments) With a crafty smile he rushed into
the house and the terrified woman stepped back.
Film Director: (adds)
“He wants to eat me up,” – she cried.
And she was absolutely right.
Producer: (interferes) Grandma must pronounce these
words. Sit still and keep silent, please.
Film Director: O.K. I am sorry!
Producer: (announces) Lights, Camera Action! Act 1. Take
2. Attention, please!
Film Director:
As soon as the Wolf began to feel
that he would like a decent meal,
he went and knocked on Granny’s door...
Grandma:
When Granny opened it, she saw
his sharp white teeth, the horrid grin,
and the Wolf said:
Wolf: May I come in?
Grandma: He wants to eat me up!
Producer:
And she was absolutely right.
He ate her up in one big gulp.
But Grandmama was slim and tough,
so Wolf wailed:
Wolf:
That’s not enough!
I haven’t yet begun to feel
that I have had a decent meal!
Film Director: He ran around the kitchen, yelping that he must
have another helping.
Producer: Oh! I am tired and hungry. Let’s have a snack.
Film Director: Just time for break. A good idea! We have some
fruit and sweets, my dear.
Producer: Nonsense! He is a wolf and not a hare. It’s not a
very good idea. Go on, and please, don’t interrupt!
Act II
Wolf: I haven’t yet begun to feel that I have had a decent
meal.
Producer: He runs around the kitchen yelping:
Wolf: I want to have another helping.
Film Director: Then he would add with a dreadful leer:
Wolf:
I’ll stay and wait a bit right here
till Little Riding Hood appear.
Producer:
He quickly put on Grandma’s clothes.
Of course, he hadn’t eaten those.
He dressed himself in coat and hat.
He put on shoes...
Film Director:
And after that,
he even brushed and curled his hair
then sat himself in Grandma’s chair...
In came the little girl in red.
She stopped. She stared. And she said:
L.R.R.H.: What great dark eyes you have Grandma!
Wolf: To see you better, ha-ha-ha!
L.R.R.H.: What great big ears you have got!
Wolf: To hear you better, like or not...
Producer: He sat there watching her and smiled. He thought:
Wolf: I’m going to eat you, child.
(Compared with her old grandma she’s young and tastes like caviar.)
Film Director: Then little girl has a closer look, she touches
his fur and pats his crook...
She says:
L.R.R.H.: But Granny! What a lovely fur coat you have on!
Wolf:
That’s wrong! Have you forgot
to tell me what big teeth I’ve got?
Oh! No matter what you say,
I’m going to eat you, anyway.
Film Director: Look! The little girl is smiling. She is taking a
little pistol from her jeans... She is aiming it at the wolf’s head...
L.R.R.H.: And bang-bang-bang! The wolf is dead!
 I’ll take his
coat.
It’s soft and nice in the winter cold.
As for Grandma, she feels all right,
just stays in bed because of fright.
The vet has helped her to come out.
She tells her friends, the case about.
Act III
Producer: A few weeks later, in the wood, I came across Miss
Riding Hood. But what a change! No cloak of red, no silly cap upon her head. She said:
L.R.R.H.: Hello, and do please note – my lovely furry WOLFSkin
Coat.
Grandma: Well, believe it or not. But the story has taken place
recently and we have great fun telling you about it. We are healthy and happy and we want
to teach you a lesson...
L.R.R.H.: Never loose your mind and give up in difficult
situation. Be always ready to defend yourself if you are going to a new place alone.
Film Director: The Wolf now is looking after decorations at the
studio and watches all the cartoons we make. He doesn’t frighten people any more.
As for the film, I hope it will become a success and I’ll get my reward at last.
Thank you, friends. Good-bye. See you later.
By Ludmila Ovsyannikova,
School “Venda”, Moscow
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