Bernard Shaw
My Fair Lady
Adapted for a school theatre
 Characters:
Bernard Shaw
Eliza Doolittle
Colonel Pickering
Henry Higgins
Mrs. Higgins
Alfred Doolittle
Lady
Barman
Footman
Sir Reginald
Lady Tarington
SCENE 1
Bernard Shaw: I’m Bernard Shaw. I’m the author of this
evergreen story. The story which you are going to see soon. I have never thought that it
would be so popular in the future. The question is: why?
I think it’s because of love. Yes! That’s it. But love has got many faces, one of
which you’ll be able to see right now.
SCENE 2
JOHNNY PUB
Alfred Doolittle: Hey, lady! Stop playing that terrible music!
Look here!
Lady: Yes, sir! What would you like, sir?
Alfred Doolittle: Don’t you know my best melody?
Lady: Oh, yes, sir. I know.
Alfred Doolittle: Good girl! Come on, play my favourite song. I
feel like singing today.
Lady: Okay, sir.
Song1
A man was made to help support his children,
Which is the right and proper thing to do.
A man was made to help support his children – but
With a little bit of luck, with a little bit of luck,
They’ll go out and start supporting you!
Alfred Doolittle: Hey, man! One bottle of beer!
Barman: Just a minute, sir. Here it is!
Alfred Doolittle: Hey, guys! Bottoms up! Cheers!
Barman: Go to hell, Alfred!
Somebody enters.
Higgins: What awful weather we’re having!
Pickering: Yes, it’s raining cats and dogs.
Higgins: Damn it! Nice place, isn’t it?
Pickering: Yes, but we have no choice.
Eliza: Captain, buy a flower off a poor girl.
Pickering: I’m sorry. I haven’t any change.
Eliza: Sir, buy a flower off a poor girl.
Higgins writes something in his notebook.
Eliza: I’m a respectable girl. I ask him to buy a flower off
me. That’s all!
Barman: What a row.
Eliza: I’m, I’m…
Higgins: Here, here, here! Who’s hurting you, you silly girl!
Shut up! Do I look like a policeman?
Eliza: Then what did you write about me? I’m a respectable
girl! I’m…
Higgins: Heavens, what a noise!
Eliza: I live here, I like to live here, I…
Pickering: Come, come! He won’t touch you. You have a right to
live where you please.
Eliza: I am a good girl, I am.
Higgins: A woman who speaks such English, has no right to live.
Eliza: Aooow! Here, what’s that you say?
Higgins: Yes, you squashed cabbage leaf. I could pass you off as
a Queen of Sheba.
Eliza: Aooow! You don’t believe that, Captain?
Pickering: Anything is possible.
Eliza: Captain! I want to be a lady in a flower shop! I want to
talk more ladylike. He said he could teach me. I am ready.
Higgins: If I decide to teach you, I’ll be worse than two
fathers to you. Here it is.
Eliza: What’s this for?
Higgins: Remember, that’s your handkerchief and that’s your
sleeve. Don’t mistake the one for the other if you wish to become a lady in a shop.
Pickering: Higgins, I’m interested, what about your boast that
you could pass her off as the Queen? I’ll even pay for the lessons.
Eliza: Oh, you’re really good. Thank you, Captain.
Higgins: She’s so horribly dirty!
Eliza: Aooow! I washed my face and hands, I did.
Higgins: I’ll take it! I’ll make a lady of
this…guttersnipe!
Eliza: Aooow!
Higgins: I’ll start today! Now! This moment!
Alfred Doolittle: Gentlmen, let’s drink some beer! Cheers!
Lady: To your health!
Pickering: As you please!
SCENE 3
AN ENGLISH LESSON
Higgins: What’s your name?
Eliza: Eliza Doolittle.
Higgins: Eliza, you are to stay here for six months learning how
to speak beautifully, like a lady. At the end of six months you shall go to a party
beautifully dressed. And now, say your vowels.
Eliza: I know my vowels. I knew them before I came.
Higgins: Say them.
Eliza: Ahyee. Iyee. Ow. You.
Higgins: Stop! Say: A, E, I, O, U.
Eliza: Ahyee, E, Iyee, Ow, You! That’s what I said.
Higgins: Drilling is what you need. Say: A.
Eliza: Ahyee! I won’t say those rubby vowels one more time. I
won’t, I won’t, I won’t!
There are some bananas in a bowl. Higgins takes one and very slowly
begins to eat it. Eliza is hungry…
Higgins: Have a banana, please.
Eliza: Ahyee!
Higgins: I promise you! You will pronounce your vowels correctly
before this day is out or there’ll be no lunch, no dinner, no…bananas!
Eliza: Oh, you have no heart!
Higgins: Say it: “The rain in Spain stays mainly in the
plain.”
Eliza: The rine in Spine stays minely in the pline.
Higgins: The rain in Spain stays…
Eliza: Didn’t I say that?
Higgins: No, Eliza, you didn’t say that. Watch closely, Eliza.
You see this flame? Now, repeat after me: “Happy, hardly, Henry.”
Eliza: Ha-Ha!
Higgins: Oh, my! Have you no ear at all?
Eliza: I have…have. Ha-Ha!
Higgins: That’s better. Go on, go on!
He’s looking for his slippers. Eliza’s bringing them to him.
Eliza: Ha-Ha!
Higgins: Well. Say: “Cup of tea.”
Eliza: Capatea.
Higgins: Cup of tea.
Eliza: Oh, no! Give me some water, please! Capatea!! You are a
monster! I’ve had enough of this.
Higgins: The rain in Spain…Cup of tea…Happy, Henry…
All: Cup of tea!
Eliza: The rain in Spain…
Higgins: Yes. yes…
Eliza: Henry, Henry! Oh, Henry, please!
SCENE 4
PARTY
Footman: (announcing) Mrs. Higgins!
Mrs. Higgins: Good evening!
Footman: Sir Reginald and Lady Tarrington!
R&T: Good evening! Glad to see you!
Footman: Professor Henry Higgins!
Higgins: Good evening, mother!
Mrs. Higgins: Hello, my dear!
Footman: Colonel Hugh Pickering!
Pickering: Nice to see you!
Footman: Miss Eliza Doolittle!
Sir R: She is beautiful!
Mrs. Higgins: Charming girl!
R.&T.: Oh, who is it?
Eliza: How kind of you to let me come.
Mrs. Higgins: Delighted, my dear. Meet Mr. Reginald & Mrs.
Tarrington – Miss Doolittle!
R.&T.: How do you do?
Eliza: How do you do?
Mrs. Higgins: Colonel Pickering – Miss Doolittle.
Pickering: How do you do?
Eliza: How do you do?
Mrs. Higgins: Will it rain do you think?
Eliza: The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.
Mrs. Higgins: Oh, it’s very interesting. Is it really true?
Pickering: Miss Doolittle, you look beautiful!
Eliza: Thank you, Colonel Pickering.
Mrs. Higgins: Don’t you think so, Henry?
Higgins: Not bad at all.
Somebody plays the piano.
SCENE 5
AT HOME
Pickering: Higgins, I salute you.
Higgins: It was nothing. Really nothing.
Pickering: Congratulations, Professor Higgins, for your glorious
victory!
Higgins: All I can say is, thank God it’s all over. Now I can
go to bed at last without dreaming about tomorrow.
Pickering: Good night, Higgins!
Higgins: Good night, Pickering!
Pickering is leaving.
Higgins: What the devil have I done with my slippers?
Eliza: There are your slippers and may you never have a day’s
luck with them!
Higgins: What’s the matter? Is anything wrong?
Eliza: Nothing wrong – with you. But what’s to become of me?
Higgins: How the devil do I know what’s to become of you? What
does it matter what becomes of you?
Eliza: I know you don’t care. You wouldn’t care if I were
dead.
Higgins: Eliza, perhaps you’re tired? Have a banana!
Eliza: No, thank you. Oh, God, I wish I was dead.
Higgins: Why, in Heaven’s name, why? Listen to me! You’ll be
all right.
Eliza: You don’t care for anything but yourself. I’ve had
enough of this. I’m going.
Higgins: But, but… Eliza!! But I shall miss you, Eliza…
Eliza: Good bye, Professor Higgins. I shall not be seeing you
again.
Higgins: Eliza! Eliza! Woman, do you not understand! I LOVE YOU!
Song 2
Love is…a tender feeling,
Love is…a way of being,
Love is…just making fetish,
Love is…just learning English,
Love is…the greatest thing in the world.
Bernard Shaw enters. All the actors freeze.
Bernard Shaw: Henry Higgins, the professor of phonetics,
transformed Eliza, a cockney flower girl, into a lady. You are teachers, simple English
teachers, and you do the same. But unfortunately nobody writes plays about you. Maybe your
students will some day?
Compiled by Lyudmila Magazanik,
Moscow, School “UNA”
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