HUMOUR
FOR WHOM THE TELEPHONE RINGS?
(The diary of a common telepfone owner)
November 6, 2000
Voice: Hello! Can I speak to Lobanov?
Me: You’re mistaken. Goodbye.
Voice: Hello! Can I speak to Lobanov?
Me: You’ve got the wrong number.
Voice: ??? Is this 377-33-34?
Me: ??? Yes, but... there is no Lobanov here.
Voice: (with disbelief) Lobanov used to be at this number. You know that’s really odd. All right then.(the second call)
Me: Hello!
Voice: (unsurprised) Is that you again. Miss? And where is Lobanov then?
Me: No Lobanov, only me. Are you quite sure about the number?November 24, 2000
1 Voice: Hello! Is Sergey home?
Me: Sorry. Wrong number.
2 Voice: (coyly) Hello-w!
Me: Listening.
2 Voice: Is Andrey in? Will you call him to the phone?
Me: I can’t. You’ve dialled the wrong number.
2 Voice: (snorting): Humph!
3 Voice: Hello! Is Denis in?
Me: Hell-ou! No, either.
3 Voice: Either?
Me: Well, I mean you’re mistaken.
4 Voice: Hello! Can I talk to Valery?
Me: (reaching for tolerance) If I’m not mistaken, then you must be surely mis... O, my! Sorry! Hold on a moment! (aside) Dad! Dad! It’s for you!December 29, 2000
Child’s voice: Hello, Granny! Granny, will you come to us?
Me: This is not your Granny (or anybody else’s). It must be a wrong number.
Child’s voice: Hello, Granny! Is that you?
Me: (giving in, resigned) Yes, it’s me.
Child’s voice: (hilariously) Granny, come to us, will you?
Me: I will, my sweetie. I promise.
Child’s voice: (excited) When?
Me: Let’s say in a couple of days.
Child’s voice: I’ll tell Mom and Dad! Bye-bye! See you!January 13, 2001
Voice: Hello! Who am I talking to?
Me: (in a librarian’s most obliging tone) And whom would you like to talk to?
Voice: (caustic) Certainly not to you.January 14, 20001
Voice: Hello! May I speak to Lydia Vasiljevna?
Me: It must be the wrong number.
Voice: (suspiciously) Who is speaking?
Me: This is me speaking. And you’ve made a mistake.
Voice: No, I haven’t. What is your number?
Me: (defensively) And what number are you calling?
Voice: (defeated) 377-33-34.
Me: That is my number.
Voice: (in indignation) I’ve been dialling this number for twenty years and it always belonged to Lydia Vasiljevna. And now you! What an outrage!
Me: ?!
Voice: (the judge to the accused) May I have your name. I’ll check it at the ATS. How long have you been using this number?
Me: (shocked, recovering) For 5 years... already.February 3, 2001
Male voice: (velvet-like) Good evening! Can I speak to Sveta?
March 10, 2001, 3.20 in the morning
Me: (having fun) Will Iana do?Voice: (demanding) Call Sergey to the phone.
Me (still half asleep) He is... he is not in. (Waking up) and he was not, I mean.
Voice: (apparently not following) When will he come?
Me: (wide awake and confused) Look, young man, Sergey doesn’t live here... never lived... damn! Wrong number!
Voice: (interpreted my muttering in his own way) I see. Doesn’t feel like talking to me. Tell him I’ll call back later.April 2, 2001, 1.00 in the morning
Me: (hang up 20 minutes ago) Speaking.
Voice: (Caucasian accent, vexed) Miss! Why is the line with Moscow busy?
Me: (calmly) Mine is free.
Voice: (even more vexed) Why then isn’t mine?
Me: Don’t know.
Voice: (surprised) Aren’t you the long-distance operator?
Me: No.
Voice: ???May 19, 2001
Voice: Hello, Miss. Is this the office of “Cast-iron baths”. We’d like a small blue-enamelled cast-iron bath with...
Me: (prepared for anything) I appreciate your choice. You’re not without taste. But are you sure about the number? This is a private phone.
Voice: (puzzled at such a possibility) Is it really?May 31, 2001
Voice: (hopeful) Is this the hostel?
My Dad: (from somewhere) It must be for me!
Me: (reproachful to Dad) Do you live in a hostel? (to the voice) I regret to say it is the wrong number.June 10, 2001
Me: Speaking.
My friend’s cheerful voice: H-hi!? You won’t believe it but I’m calling home, not you! Somehow this number is always asking to be dialled. You must be proud!
Me: (failing to feel so) I am. (to myself) Am I?
By Iana Toropova