Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
The other replied, “Yes I am, I married the wrong man.”
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor’s degree and the woman gets her master’s.
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”
Young Son: “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?”
Dad: “That happens in most countries, son.”
Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.”
When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year – married man looks happy – we wonder why.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the
man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
A woman was telling her friend , “It is I who made my husband a
millionaire.”
“And what was he before you married him”, asked the friend.
The woman replied, “ A multi-millionaire”.
Caught Speeding
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks: “I can outrun this guy.” so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway — 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures: “what the heck!”, and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says, “listen mister, I’ve had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a really good excuse, and I’ll let you go.”
The man thought for a moment and said, “Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer, and you were trying to give her back to me!”
Lawyer and Engineer On Vacation
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, “I’m here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”
“That’s quite a coincidence”, said the engineer, “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. “How do you start a flood?” he asked.
Older Profession: Doctor, lawyer, engineering?
A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, “Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.”
The engineer replied, “But before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion; and thus, he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.”
Then the lawyer spoke up. “Yes,” he said, “But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?”
Who’s the Best?
The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”
Patient: Doctor! You’ve got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me.
No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say. Son: Dad, what is an idiot? Man: How can you tell if a man is happy? “Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?”
Doctor: Next please!
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way
that another person who is listening to him can’t understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
Woman : Who cares?!
“No, I’m sorry I don’t.”
“Well, it’s two blocks this way, then one block to the left.”
The Swearing Parrot
Joe inherited a green Amazonian parrot from his uncle Thorton. Joes was kind of excited about getting the parrot. Especially from uncle Thorton, who Joe was sure didn’t like him, even though Joe prayed for him everyday. The parrot was delivered and Joe put him in the living room next to his favorite chair, where Joe read his scriptures.
That evening when Joe sat down with his Bible and started to read the parrot starts swearing. Joe is shocked! He has never heard some of the things this parrot is saying! He just stares at the parrot in shock as it swears for five minutes straight without repeating itself. Joe decides to try talking quietly to the bird. It doesn’t have any effect. He then tries covering the cage. The bird continues to swear. He resolves to ignore the bird and he tries to continue reading.
This goes on for a week. Joe finds he is reading for shorter and shorter periods of time as the week progresses. By weeks end his nerves are completely frayed by the parrot’s swearing.
One day, it just gets to be too much, Joe loses his temper and he starts yelling at the bird, “Shut up! Shut up! Please, God, make this bird shut up!”, this just gets the bird excited and it swears even more. Joes loses it completely and grabs the bird and locks it in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird. The bird squawks and scratches. After only a few minutes Joe relents and lets him out, the bird cuts loose with what sounds like swearing in foreign languages! Joe boils over. He just can’t take it any more! He takes the bird and throws him in the Freezer! For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes about in the freezer. Then it suddenly gets very quiet.
At first the Joe just waits, but then he starts to think that he might have hurt the bird. After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto Joe’s out-stretched arm and says, “Dreadfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.”
Joe is astounded. He can’t understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. He starts to thank God for this when the parrot says, “By the way, what did the chicken do?”
Two vampire bats are hanging upside down in a cave. One of the bats feels rather hungry. “Let’s go and find some blood”, he suggests.
“I don’t think you can get any blood this time of the day”, says the other bat.
“Well, I want some blood and I want it now!”, says the first bat and prepares to take off. “Are you coming or what?”
“Don’t be stupid, you’ll just waste your time”, says the second bat. So the first bat flies anyway. After a few minutes he is back with blood smeared all over his face.
“Where did you manage to find blood this time of the day?”, asks the second bat.
“Well, do you see that tree out there?”, says the first bat and points at a tree outside the cave.
“Yes”, says the second bat, “of course I see it”.
“Well, I didn’t”, replies the first.